Should i let it go?

Okay, i'm not a crazy bitch, i just keep about 3 weapons close to my reach, because whenever my step-father comes i feel scared,angry,pissed, vex etc. so I always keep this cutlass under my desk, because I had to move the other weapons........ But I thought they were getting divorced? it really doesn't look that way nuh, but the reason why I go out so much, is because when I'm not home I feel free, I feel normal and I'm away from seeing my mother give-in to that son-of-a-bitch! even though he doesn't live here, he comes often more often than usual! because of the fact that his mistress trusts him[the other woman] God I wish that woman does something to make his life a living hell. I see her a lot because she has a store in Port-of-Spain, but she looks like she really likes him. But then I wonder when I get my car, will I constantly be driving, going somewhere that isn't home? Am I running away from my problems? But how do you work out such problems, that you have no control over?

I'm hardly home now, I'm only home when no one is home, when my mother and brother go to work and my sis goes to school, and when they come home I go for my lessons, and after lessons three or four days for the week I go do something with Gina, whether is just to go movie towne, go Globe, or even the playground or by my cousins. And when I do get home I just go straight to my room, do whatever home-work I have, and then talk on the phone for hours, with my other friends, and somewhere between that time I come online and check e-mail and stuff, go to bed early so that the day finishes faster... so I could just repeat this cycle until, my mother gives me some more rope, so I could get a next bf or something, and start a new life and keep the past locked away forever, and move on with my life. Does that sound selfish? well hear what I really don't care anymore because I can't tell people how to live their life, so I'm just gonna live, and be free from my family's problems, and keep it "my family's problems" and not Haley's Problems, because sometimes I feel like no one's listening so I will longer be saying anything for anyone in this house to hear! I mean I love my mom, I wouldn't abandon her, and ship her off to some old people's home, but I just think she needs to wake up and smell the coffee!

where did it come from?

I dunno but for the past two days.... I've just been happy, and smiling, and being nice to people! I really don't do that! and when I mean being nice to people I mean like the people who always bring you down, i.e. my evil friends from school, who live close to me and people who never tell you goodmorning when you pass their house, or the sour maxi-taxi driver who snatches your money from your hand without saying thanks or nothing! lol

And I think that my new found happiness is contagious, because when I told my neighbour who dislikes me for some reason, he looked at me kinda puzzled and said, "Ok gudmornin" so then I thought probably the way I let my problems show through my face, that people look at me as a"Bitchy teenager" but now ever since I told the dude morning he always says goodmorning to me and everyone else now, a simple thing like that eh? hmmm although Gina said it could just be that he got the hots for me, lol but seriously I didn't think of it like that, sometimes when we're having a bad day, we sometimes need a compliment or smile from someone, even if they're not close to us.........

But yeah back to my strange happy feelings! they just came out of nowhere! and I think I know why, but I really don't wanna believe it's that four letter word L-O-V-E because it took me a whole six months to build up a wall around my heart, so I could focus an my education, because I really need to focus on my school work right now! so heart I'm sorry but you can't go falling in love and stuff right now because I'm just not ready for a commitment, I need to be 16 yrs old and just hang out and stuff, laugh take a lil drink every now and again [ juice&shandy eh!] and you know just live! because honestly I don't think I know the actual meaning of 'love' I need to be mature enough, but damn it! I can't even look him in his eyes! his beautiful brown eyes but he told my friend he thinks I don't like him because of it, and he even asked me, Friday why I didn't look him in the eye because we went out the Thursday, and I said it's because the light that was above your head was SO FRICKIN BRIGHT!! lol I never heard such crap in my life, so he said orrrrrrr ok then well next time we wouldn't sit by bright lights ok, ..........

I don't even think there'll be a next time! I need to see where this is going after January! not now at all! but to tell you the truth the reason I didn't look him in the eye was because, I said to myself he too 'fine' he ain't gonna like me! he looked like he liked 'pretty girls' you see in magazines, but for the whole time we were together he didn't even look at another girl, his eyes didn't even stray in another direction, and to me that deserved a thumbs up because very rare you find a guy like that, I'm not saying that he doesn't look at girls on the whole eh! but just when we're together his attention is on me at all times! but HEART stop playing with my mind, your making my emotions show right now, its like I hav no control over what I'm typing, it's just happening so fast! like I'm being possessed!I think my mother is picking up my feelings too but that's not good because then I'll never go anywhere again, goshhhh people who were young especially girls allyuh know how we hadda hide and make phone calls or say nah is 'just girls going'...Is not that I like to lie to my mom, but I have no other choice, I'll do what my big sis did, tell everything when I'm loading the moving van to go live with my husband lol, So yea I don't think I could muster my all my courage to tell my mother that, I may not live to write about it! :-(

What's New?

Well a lot's new! I'm currently attending Downer's Educational Institute doing over my maths, and well things home have cooled for good, my step-father only comes to give my mom money for my sis and stuff, and I've been going out a lot lately, because my friend Gina got a job, and job=more freedom so we're just living large!! lol but it isn't so good for her because she has to work and do over maths, so that's kinda sucky cause she has a hard book-store job, So now her dad is our Chauffeur carrying us everywhere once we get permission! Saturday we hung out at Ruby Tuesday, @ movie towne and then went to a bar I think it's GanzoBar lol but it's in the Fiesta Plaza section it cool! I had my cam but we weren't really in picture mood because we were hanging out with some dudes we met on facebook so, taking pics wasn't really on our minds but I never thought I'd meet someone like that I just figured you meet someone online, and then they would just remain your online friends lol it was fun while it lasted but then it was time to go! and Gina and I didn't wanna go ! :( so we said our sad goodbyes and left with the hope of ever seeing those two dudes again! because they're from Coceyea [South] so ain't no way we seeing them any time soon! I only took like 5 pics! and in all everyone was hiding their faces even me ! so i didn't bother, but I should have bothered!Gina and her Guy lol my pic wid my guy look to high! lol

well well my friend is okay, he should be because he kept me on the phone for like 2hrs, and i went to bed about 3:15 am, so yea he's fine! and well with my home situation things have been clearing up so it's all good, only thing doh, my mother doesn't want me to work, she even wants me to do my degree full-time so she taking extra work an stuff, which i don't really like cause then she'll be over-worked, but when she have a plan she doesn't turn back, so i just have go with it, and say nothing.....

Shux so long i haven't been on this blog, it's not even in my most visted websites anymore, well i got good-ish grades, in Cx.c. 6 two's, 1 three, a four and a five, btw the 4 and the five is accounts and maths.... darn it! so i hav to do over maths, F**k accounts i hated that sub anyway! but my life has been good good, a lot of going out, and partying [not wild lol] and then some crap happens, my rel close "hoss" in the hospital, he have dengue fever, and he just have me so worried, and I was ignoring his calls, because we had a stupid disagreement, and I was not in the mood to speak to him.... and little did I know that he was calling me Tuesday, to tell me that he was in the hospital, I let all my dumb PMS-ing problems take over me, and I was in bitch mode, so today, I called him, because his hi5 looked like there was no activity, and he is always on that I said "word" was d scene?? he tell me girl i in the hospital , that is why i was calling you, I felt so low, I just started crying like a dumb girl, and he was like there normal, telling me that everything would be okay, but now i just can't think of losing my friend, god cah let dat happen, we done had plans to go movie towne next saturday, bcuz das d only free saturday, God doh let meh fren dead nah plzzzzzzz, he's a really good dude.

RESULTS

ok tomorrow are the results for cxc, i don't even know what time i have to be there for........ so i'll just go whenever i wake up...ummm nah thats not a good idea.. i might end being too late! i feel so nervous, i don't have butterflies, i have freakin teradactles, and to top it off my mom told me to give her a shock, well i just hope it's a positive one.......

but before i go, i just wanna light a candle for icegod's uncle.....Lord i pray you grant Ice's uncle eternal rest, and be with Ice and his family at this time, i pray you give him comfort, cause losing a loved is hard....

Amen

Piczzzz

I took these yesterday. my view from home.